My Adversities of Literacy
When I was in 3rd grade I was diagnosed with ADHD, This diagnosis created a path in my life that I might never have been able to recover from. Learning that I had a mental disability that made me different from others was first an aid, but soon I’d realize it was a hindrance. Later in life I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, more exclusively, Aspergers, and Anxiety. This combo made life incredibly more difficult.
I had always loved literacy, and relishing the concept of being able to read a book and the ability of being transported to a world created of just letters & sentences. Unfortunately, the reality was that never happened for me. When I read a book, I read letters on a page, I don’t picture the characters in my head or imagine a scene. Those things take so much effort to even ponder, let alone actually do it. An idiom that is commonly used in classroom scenarios is “Imagine that you are…” I always thought that the phrase was just a form of speech, but 97% of the world could actually imagine in their heads the rest of that sentence in pictures, while I could just hear, and listen. The movie that plays in most peoples’ heads when they read doesn’t play for me. I realized in freshman year in high school when I was doing my English homework, and inadvertently vented to my teacher. I wrote “I am not a fast reader, so it's very frustrating that I am in a higher class but in a lower level. I am not able to keep pace with my peers. There is no satisfaction if I start with my classmates but lack behind while they excel and finish before me. It makes me sad, frustrated and infuriated. I cannot picture characters in my head for another reason. I can’t help but read low level books with pictures.” Having this disability that 3% of the world has, makes the enjoyment of reading books pain-stakingly hard for me.
My unconfirmed aphantasia was not holding me back from my love of reading; it was the fact that the skill level of reading stunted at a 5th grader level. Why? Because when I was diagnosed with ADHD, I was provided a 504 plan which according to KidsHealth.org “A 504 plan is a way for schools to provide support for students with a disability so that they can learn in a regular classroom.” This meant that if I failed a standardized test and I was below average aka failed, I was able to get a signature of approval from a teacher signing that I participated and had a high enough grade in the class that I should be able to pass. This mentality and system led to me not learning what I needed to learn, making me inept to a higher reading level. Since I was stuck at that reading level but still got passed onto the next grade, I was taught the next issue of skills needed for the future, but didn’t learn what I needed to know to succeed the same as the rest of my peers. It’s like taking English 1102 before taking English 1101. 1101 is a prerequisite to 1102. You must know things from 1101 to exceed in 1102. Although I learned some things, the things I needed to learn like multiplication tables, how to read a ruler, how to do other things that high schoolers know by heart, I was in a grade where it was expected and I couldn’t. Due to being signed to the next grade even if I failed every standardized test along the way, my skills never improved until I was able to work on them outside of the school trying to help me. Through the system of failing but passing, not learning, but passing, not getting better, but “succeeding”, I grew up but my reading level stayed at age 12. So basically summing that up, a school system meant to help students pass didn’t set them up to succeed.
In this day and age I recognise my disabilities and abilities. I know what I need, and I have learned over the past decade and a half how my brain works and how to compensate. Over the past three years of being in college, interacting more with adults and having adult conversations I have gained a lot of new vocabulary and understanding of idioms and such; things that I had a harder time with back in high school due to my learning disabilities. I can tell the people in my life who need to know my struggles like teachers, but a lot of times it is incredibly difficult to tell friends that I can’t do basic things like read a book or understand some concepts that others can. In college I have emailed every professor I have sent similar messages about how I have ADHD, and anxiety, and probably autism, but none as explicit as the one I sent to my favorite teacher Mr. Bowers, my last semester English teacher. On August 3rd 2023 I wrote “I have not taken an English class since high school, which has been 3 years. I never passed my English finals or midterms, maybe because I have functional illiteracy, and adhd, and anxiety. Or maybe that my reading level stopped when I was in 5th grade because my comprehension of reading and writing was never that good. I'm not sure if any of those contribute, but what I am sure of is that I love writing and am very passionate. I think that writing essays is something that I could do creatively and enjoy doing. Reading is extremely hard for me since I can read one page of a book and not gain any knowledge on what it said and/or I will forget what happens, so I read it again and again. This makes reading take so much longer, and not that I don't want to read, it just frustrates me on how little I take in after reading so much.” And this next part is data I have conducted on myself. “To put it in perspective, 1 page of a 12-chapter book takes me 15 minutes silently, and 10 minutes out loud, because the first two lines of the chapter did not make sense and so I read it again.” If I don’t understand a sentence the first time, I will read it again as many times as it takes for it to make sense. If you can do it all in one go that is a superpower and I want it.
Having ADHD created an environment of me not being able to focus on what was important in grade school. Autism inherently disabled me from really understanding idioms or sarcasm and other forms of speech that I needed to know in life. Anxiety about doing tests because I knew I was less capable than others. All of these hindered my life, and created the adversities I now know of literacy; whether it be math literacy, functional literacy, or English literacy. As a reader, I want you to know that everyone has advantages and disadvantages so don't take yours for granted. Recognize your privilege.
