Post-Grad Depression
I have been a student for 2 decades, and now that I’ve graduated, I feel like I have unlimited freedom. The only thing about that is that the freedom is killing me.
When I think about school, I think about the structure and the enjoyment of learning a topic. The waking up every morning, feeling like I will accomplish something by the end of the day. The sensation of learning something that I didn’t already know, interacting with someone wiser than me and full of knowledge that I can pick out tools I can use for the rest of my life through that person. Being a post graduate I suppose the lack of structure evokes a sense of entrapment. Others might find it freeing that you can do whatever you like, but I am someone who really likes to know that I am doing something the next day, something I can look forward doing. Without that ability, I feel lost.
Jobs I have applied for just never get back to you and when they do, they say that you didn’t get the job. This has been the experience for me. In High School I applied to 3 jobs, I didn’t get them. I assumed they didn’t want a part time student who pays more attention to school than work. After High School I applied for the same three jobs, didn’t get them. I assumed that I didn’t have the resume for it. I applied to those same three jobs in college, and didn’t get them for what i would think to be the same reason I did in High School but with the difference that I was over-qualified. Post College, in the past month I have applied to those same jobs and then some, and I have not gotten a response back from any yet. I almost don’t want to apply to jobs in the area because I don’t believe they will hire me. I just want to stack boxes! Honestly don’t even pay me I just wanna show up and do something with my life.
Speaking of differences in area for jobs, I have been thinking about applying for jobs in other states, which I wouldn’t mind moving to another state for a job I enjoy. The only barriers stopping me are 3 things. One, I get homesick, and I don’t think I would be able to live by myself or even with a roommate or two without missing everything from down here in Florida. Second, I don’t feel like I could live stable on my own. Lots of young adults have almost full independence from their parents, but in my life I am extremely close with my mom and If I didn’t have that back support to rely on when i am in need I don’t know what I would do. Mentally I’m not sure If I would be prepared. Thirdly, I would miss Gainesville. I would have to adjust to a new job as well as a new life and place.
Last week I had a call with my siblings (they live in different states), and we had a very enjoyable deep conversation about this quarter-life-crisis. They suggested I find a “3rd Place”. How they describes this 3rd place to be is that most of us have 2 places; home and work. For me I have a few jobs but none consistent enough for me to call it a second place, but I digress. Nick (ty Nick) suggested that I find a place where i can go consistently say every Thursday or every Monday and Wednesday. Somewhere I can consistently see the people who also have that as their 3rd place. somewhere I can find comfort and people of similar interests. This could be a library, an arcade, a cafe, a lounge, etc. I have some places in mind, and I think once I start frequenting myself to those places It will get better.
As of now writing this, I took a break from writing and looked into my box of my life relics. I have a box of things I loved when I was in my child years that I hold dearly in my heart. One of these things was a toy water game acting as a ring toss game where you have two buttons that shoot air into a water bubble that direct rings to spikes. ‘ Sounds odd but it is a great game/toy that you can hyperfocus on and feel accomplished after playing it. No electronics, no screens, just VIBES. BUT—
Until Next Time.
